Where Did February Go?

Today is February 23rd! What happened to this month? It feels like it has just disappeared in a fog of trying to stay afloat alongside CBT and trying to build a business. How am I? I'm OK. CBT is still exhausting but is getting very practical, I now have experiments to do to challenge some of my rituals and have made some progress in understanding where the root of my OCD lies. 
It's a hard truth to swallow but my OCD is rooted in an over developed sense of responsibility - I feel responsible for just about everything that ever happened to me or to anyone I have ever cared about. Now, taking responsibility for me and my actions is a good and positive thing, but when I start to feel resonsible for things and people that I have absolutely no control over, that becomes a problem. 

In therapy, I worked out that the start of my sense of responsibility comes from being extremely young and being burdened with responsibility that was never mine and that began before I was born. Even in the womb, I was overly responsible, but not by choice. This led to a sense of being somehow wrong, that I still carry now. It's terrifying to think that I was literally born responsible for things that were not mine, things imposed by a grieving, sad and desperate mother who missed her middle child and was not quite ready for me to be anything other than him. I understand what it feels like to lose a child and I guess back in 1970, things were very different so I want to be as compassionate as I can be. But, growing up feeling like I was constantly not quite right, like I was not acceptable, like I was a disappointment, it's no wonder me and my mum didn't really get on.

I'm not suggesting that my mum gave me OCD, no, my brain did that. But at the very core of my issues is this sense of over responsibility for everything, which I have always had - because being responsible, showing that I am a responsible person, taking responsibility for things, being a 'good girl' was how I thought I would get love. I was so wrong!